"Good morning, Dave E. Your return home finds a mess of snow and ice that must be cleared before the really cold air hits on Friday. The roughly 80 square feet of densely packed snow and ice at the end of your driveway, up to 3' feet deep, will be your greatest challenge. Your mission, should you choose to accept it(um...choose?), is to clear this snow and ice so you can get some food in the fridge and more importantly, hit the liquor store. As always, should you have a heart attack in the course of this mission, the Home Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your efforts."
Update: Mission Accomplished!